Clandestine Emotions.

My camera sucks. It has been a long and righteous, wait lets make do with functioning, asset in my wanderings for inspiration and documentation of surroundings. In these areas it is quite a wondrous little contraption that wheighs almost nothing and is quick from the holster.
But for taking pictures of my pictures it sucks. I know I´ve been down this road before but it has become more apparent lately as my girlfriend got herself a really flamboyant piece of equipment.
That camera rocks.

But we are not here to disguss cameras are.

This piece has been hanging on my wall for almost a month. I wasnt sure I was done with it but I never got around to “fix” it. But then I have been quite ambivalent as of late. Thowards most things. For whatever reasons I dont know but….It seems to me I am scared.
Scared of what will become of me, scared of the cold world, scared of my future, excpectations, people.
Friends.
I´ve been putting a lot of thought into this whereas why I would feel this way. There is no single clear explanation for this, so far. Things goes up and down I guess. And I dont really suffer I just put a little too much energy into thinking about it and that fatigues me and obstructs my ability to work. Work properly, at least. Doubt is a heavy burden to bare.

So I am absolutely possetively sure I´m not the only one feeling like this from time to time. And how do we cope with it? I know I hide it. To some extent at least. I dont wann drag around my worries all the time and sport a negative attitude because that will get me nowhere. Of course you need to search for, hopefully find, comfort in your friends when the time is right. But it seems to be that these battles must be chosen and not fought in every single topic.

So we hide. Our emotions become clandestine to our surroundings and most poeple will not know what goes on and dwells deep within  the lands of our secrets. It is quite sad really but a friend of mine once said that once you grow up it is up to our parents to pamper with us.

Maybe this is true and well but I still do feel that if one walks around with a heavy heart one should be able to find consolation amongst friends and fellow beings. Sometimes it almost seems that folks are afraid of individuals who has serious ponderings and doubts. Why is this? Is it because they fear that it is contagious? Some do say that fear is. But I always thought they meant The Fear Of Wolves.

Harry Martinsson once said that we all must take responsibility for our guilt. That we cannot point fingers. For humanity to cope and thrive we must all care for each other and realize that everyone has their place and that isolation is a very short term solution.
To suffer is not to be ashamed. It is just a burden one must bare and those around you must ease. Without fear.

But. It is also good to find ones own way through the darkness. To come out on the other end with newfound hope, lust and inspiration. And to understand that one can by their hands and their head alone to find courage as well as peace.
It is just that its a fucking drag while yer in it.

Thus. I wanted to illustrate going to a party with such a condition. To Illustrate just that crucial moment when the line is about to be crossed and you put on your mask to show that everything is ok. Eventhough it might not be so and the world poses as a haze. To illustrate how alone we can sometimes be even amongst friends. Eventhough they may all mean well.

 

Clandestine Emotions. Oil on canvas. 123 x 94 (cm).

 

But while a voice
Within me cries
Im sure someone may answer my call
And this bitter earth
May not seem so bitter
After all

 

~ by grenig on August 2, 2012.

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